The Application.

Dear Sir or Madam,

Though you have not yet advertised a current opening for the very important position that I am proposing to fill, I am certain that you will eventually have need of someone in this timeless role. I would like you to consider that – as history has proven - it is better to have but not need someone in this capacity, than to find yourself in need and not have a stand-in readily available.

I'm sure we can agree that it is terribly inconvenient to find yourself with acute blame on your hands. Perhaps for some action (or possibly inaction as often happens to be the case) that could have been avoided with better tools, or forethought, but lacking these, responsibility seems - quite unexpectedly - to be heading squarely for your shoulders. I must tell you: There is no need for you to accept blame or responsibility for any of your actions (or inactions) under any circumstances, ever. Even if it was your very finger on the proverbial button that brought everything crashing down around you, this was surely not your intended outcome. Therefor, why should you jeopardize your reputation, your standing in the community, your own self-conception of who you are and what you are about, in order to bear the burden of the resulting consequence? It is never truly your fault, it must never be so -- and that is where I come in.

I am strong: I can hold at least ten times my weight in the heavy, the irksome, the burdensome responsibility of bad choices and missteps (that, of course, you never intended to make) and I can do so without breaking a sweat, as I am in no way an insubstantial girl. Plus, I used to swim, and not to boast, but Atlas has nothing on these shoulders.

I am loyal - to a fault, perhaps - compassionate, idealistic, hopeful. No matter how many times betrayed, I am able to survive, dragging along with me the certainty that absolutely nothing that has occurred is anyone's fault but my own, and that next time, next time the outcome will most certainly be different. Some say I am naive, but I know I am fierce, tenacious, unfaltering.

I would carry your mistakes, your lies, your ropes of broken promises, to my very grave. I am to blame. Period. It is a truth I know in my heart of hearts, always. I would die again and again, never letting go, to see my commitment through, to carry your troubles to the bitterest of ends. I don't know the meaning of the word quit and I don't have the sense God gave me to shrink back from pain, to protect myself...

Look no further, I am your perfect Scapegoat.

Not only am I strong and thick-skinned, I am Jewish and as you may know, my people invented the very concept of strapping all the guilt, the blame, the terrible sins of the community to a lowly goat and sending it off into the wilderness or over a cliff in a ritual renewal during Yom Kippur (but why wait for atonement, absolution, until the High Holy Days, I say?). Also, I was born to a teenage mother, conceived, she once said, in order to save her life. So let me be very clear: you will not find a candidate for this job more bound to others and to this earth by the twin leather straps of guilt and responsibility, anywhere on the planet.

I would consider it an honor to bear your grievances, carry your burdens as my own, walk through each day wrapped in conflicts not of my creation. I hope you will see that I am an excellent candidate and I urge you to consider me for the position. You will not regret it (nor anything else, ever again).