Dispatch From A Roadtrip I'm Not On: Days 1 & 2

"There she is... Miss America." Honda ST1100. Don't remember the year.

Joosh is off. I am abandoned for a two-week venture with OMT* that will see them travel Easy Rider-style through several states, ending up in South Dakota (Wounded Knee, and no, he won't be burying any hearts, I already asked and he rolled his eyes mightily in my direction). About 200 - 250 miles a day. Sore bottoms will abound.

So that we may all enjoy the sights and sounds of this, our great nation, as they roll through, I offered something of a vicarious blogging situation wherein Joosh can send photos and some brief information, and I will in turn share it with you. I had hoped to speak with him at length in the evenings in order to fill out the narrative a bit, but since this is day two and that has not yet happened, I think that maybe I'll just go ahead and make up the stuff to fill in the gaps. Kidding. (Mostly).

Day 1 - Portland to Klamath Falls. 296 miles.
Joosh kept calling Klamath Falls "Clackamas" for some reason, which is only like 12 miles away. It was confusing. Also? I always thought there were two M's in "Klamath" but I guess I was terribly wrong. Huh.

He hit the road after a morning of dawdling and packing, around 1:30pm. Off to Clackamas Falls. I'd had a super hearty laugh when at one point he sat down and I noticed a seam looking a little precarious in the crotchal region of his jeans and said, "You want me to fix the hole in your dick... jeans?" He looked at me quizzically and said "Nooooooooo. Thanksssss." In my weakened state from all these days and days of being sick in bed, I have clearly lost my ability to communicate. But man I could not stop saying the word "dickjeans" (because oh yeah, that's a word now, people) and cracking up. Which was excellent for phlegm loosening, let me tell you.

There was some sort of big Washington/Oregon game in Eugene and rolling through was apparently quite trafficky and unfun. This photo was taken just south of there (if I'm not mistaken). I suppose we're to admire the bike and notice the long road ahead.










Salt Creek Falls.
You stay? You pay!
The Ranger would only let him stop for a minute to put on warmer gear (it was about 54 at this point). Otherwise he'd need to pony up the $5-a-day day use fee.





Odell Lake.
Just came over the pass.
It was cold.
Got down to 47.





This is my favorite dispatch from the road so far. Here, let me quote: "Sketchy rest stop 68 miles from klamath falls. Put on the rest of my warm gear. There was a really scuzzy looking old guy that kept asking me if I needed anything. He said he could make me a really good deal. He didn't say what he was selling and I wasn't gonna ask. Unfortunately he got really irritated when I tried to take his pic. He didn't seem to have a car so I don't know how he got there. He took off when some state troopers stopped to use the facilities."



Shall we wager whether this guy was selling drugs or a BJ? Hmmmm? If Joosh was wearing full leathers, I wouldn't even have to ask the question because Helloooooo, Papa Bear.

God, he's going to kill me if/when he reads this post.

Moving on.


Upper Klamath Lake.








About 7pm.








15 miles to the lovely hotel I had found on Hotels.com and booked for him. The Maverick Hotel. (Very timely, yes? What with the old coot choosing his unexpected running mate, proving he's just a jolly old independent spirit like always? Ugh.)






The hotel got some good reviews for being way cheap and shockingly clean and tidy for the degree of cheapness. I reserved a non-smoking room for the boy at $45 per night. Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? I rock.





Then came the food finding:
What passes for Pra Ram in Klamath Falls (left).








And Mango with Sticky Rice. Hold the mango. So, um, sticky rice. With cream white goo sauce on it. And no mango. Even though he ordered mango. It happens. I guess. Right?







So listen. Vicarious blogging Day One while G-chatting with my brother about this ridiculous election and Tom & Jerry cartoons and other highly important matters (is Sarah Palin's Down Syndrome baby her daughter or her - gasp - GRANDDAUGHTER?!?!) has completely worn me out. We're gonna have to pick up this party again tomorrow.

Love you, babe. Be safe out there on the wide open road. Watch out for hookers in Nevada and Mormons in Utah. And vice versa (I know they can sometimes be hard to tell apart - Katherine Heigl, I'm looking at you).

Day Two. Klamath Falls, OR to Reno, NV. To be continued.

*OMT is "Old Man Todd" - not to be confused with the much younger BabyDaddy Todd or BDT, who also lives in Ventura. BDT is a good long story for another time.

Shout Out To Scout (And Other Random Pet News).

A shout out to Scout. Scout Bakken, that is.

After being sick in bed for five days, I finally went out for a brief spell this morning, to have breakfast with Joosh at an establishment we've taken lots of visitors to, mostly because it's cheap and has giant plates of goodness, but also because their motto (printed right on the menu) is "You Eat Here Because We LET You" and I like a little sass with my fast-breaking.

As we left our neighborhood, I thought how nice it would be to take a walk again, recalling that my last walk was a super one with a darling darling dog named Scout, a Norwegian Elk Hound (who knew?) with a terrific personality.

If you know me, you know I'm not a dog person, but I am partial to this sweet one and did indeed find myself wishing that Scout was available for some walkies (as Joosh and I call it when we take a stroll around the 'hood - and yes, we say it in sort of a sing-song pre-school voice: "Walk-eeeees" because that is how we behave when not in mixed company, I am both proud and mortified to admit to you here). If I can get Scout's parentals to pass over a photo, I will post it here, because she's truly a darling and unusual creature, often getting stopped and admired by strangers everywhere she trots. I was glad to have the chance to hang out with her while Moms and Pops were at a Wilco concert in Bend last weekend.

* * *

In other animal news, my stepsister friended me on Facebook yesterday. We've not spoken nor had any real words since her brief reply to my "Happy Birthday" email of last December, where she basically said thanks, and told me that I should write to my father as he'd probably like to know that I was all right. Ugh. Since when does she care about my dad? She despises the man (though she says he's good for her mom - which I have no opinion on either way). So she and I have never talked about last summer, she's never asked to hear my side of the whole fiasco, and she's still fairly dependent on the folks for support while she's finishing school in England, so I don't expect she'll ever broach it. Plus she pretty well freaked out last time I revealed a story that didn't match up to the official version she was given, and couldn't handle that her mother had conceivably lied to her, and started to short circuit in a very unpretty way. Subject was quickly dropped before new meds had to be ordered.

ANYWAY, my point here: She told me, in our Facebook chat, that my folks in Mexico have adopted two little sister kittens and named them "Fanny" and "Mae."

Which at first I thought was completely adorable and Jew-y and sweet. Then my sister typed: "Get it?" Oooh. Reallllllly. Huh.

I imagined them in their brand new 3000 sq foot slave-labor-built, staff-serviced fiefdom looking down over the ex-pat dominated and newly yuppified old town of San Miguel while people all over the US are losing their homes from the shitty decisions that resulted in things like the Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac meltdown and how the worst is likely still to come and how they moved South to exploit the cheaper services and healthcare available on the backs of the indigenous in Mexico rather than fight for something better here (and they had it just fine, here, by the way) and man, I just wanted to voo-doo dollhouse their new crib down the side of a mountain.

Saving the kittens, of course, because excepting the insensitive reference, little sister kitties named Mae and Fanny would be nothing short of idiot-smiles and awwwwww-worthy adorable.

Oliver William is Heading This Way!

Sorry, please to forgive the ridiculous pun. But my brother just recently turned me on to the absurd farewell that goes something like "Time to make like a fetus and head out" and it somehow seems appropriate to use in this crazy moment when I've been told that a certain mom-to-be is fully dilated and ready to birth her babe any minute! So very exciting.

Wishing you all the best in the universe, Doc and Mister Doc. We're all so excited to welcome Oliver.

100 Things to Consume Before You Die.

This list is the 100 things that Very Good Taste thinks everyone should eat at least once in their life.

Instructions were:

1) Bold all the items you’ve eaten. (Except bold white doesn't really look very bold, so I've made them red, unless they are blue, which indicate active links to explanations, some of which are DIS-gusting... you have been warned).
2) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
3) Optional extra: Post a comment at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

1. Venison - mmm, had some of this fried up in Crisco at Jojo's aunt and uncle's house in a remote part of Oregon in the summer between Junior and Senior year of high school. Right before I stepped on a nail and punctured the arch of my foot through my cheap ass Payless ankle boots (which are totally popular again, strangely enough).
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros - what Californian hasn't eaten these? Maybe one's who don't like eggs or beans. Maybe.
4. Steak tartare - tempted to cross this out. Not a big fan of beef, so raw beef? Hmmmm, no. But I suppose I could try a tiny bite in the interest of culinary adventure.
5. Crocodile
6. Black Pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp - Jessica, look away.
9. Borscht - I could live on this for a few weeks. The food of my people. With sour cream. Delicious.
10. Baba ghanoush - mmmmm.
11. Calamari - in many many many preparations. Tentacles and all.
12. Pho - not so much of the beef stomach-y varieties, but some really good rich brothy goodness sans intestines.
13. PB&J sandwich - I think it's weird that this is on here. But that's cool.
14. Aloo gobi - yes, ma'am, veddy veddy good, ma'am. (that is not racist, shut up).
15. Hot dog from a street cart - Before reading "The Jungle" in 11th Grade, yes. Now, hot dogs in general? Not so much.
16. Epoisses - many a runny stinky cheese have I eaten, and from the description, I'm sure that I've ingested this one. The color was particularly disconcerting, knowing that something bacterial in nature came up with the exceptional shade of orangey pinkishness on the rind.
17. Black truffle - but of course.
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes - True story: Went to Korean food the other night with niece Heather and her BFF Spencer (before their shitty car wreck in Crescent City) and among the varieties of wine was Blackberry, Pomegranate and Wild Mountain Berry. I was very excited about all (Korean wine? Fruit flavors? Whaaa?) and settled on the Wild Mountain Berry, because, well, I don't really know. It sounded exotic and wild. Out comes the bottle on which appears the words "Wild Grapes" along with a picture of grapes similar to the one on a bottle of Manischewitz. And guess what the wine tasted like? Yes, it tasted like Passover. But I've had some fabulous elderberry wine in Scotland, so I can at least check this off of this very strange list.
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries - are you kidding me? My favorite summer activity in this lovely new state of mine.
23. Foie gras - don't judge. It was in the very foodie San Francisco 90's. If there were protesters then, I didn't notice them. And by the way? It's totally delicious.
24. Rice and beans - More than is necessary, I'm sure.
25. Brawn or head cheese - I wish I could say that I'd not tried this, but since I'm sort of a try-everything-once kind of gal, I have indeed had the displeasure. No likey.
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper - does smelling one count?
27. Dulce de leche - yummo.
28. Oysters - smoked, fried, raw, stewed in seafoody concoctions, scrambled in an omelet, but in general I am very ambivalent about them.
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda - not to my knowledge. A mix of anchovies, garlic, walnut oil, cream? Into which you dip roasted veggies and whatnot, similar to a fondue. I think I would remember that. Sounds good. And yet not at the same time.
31. Wasabi peas - why is this on here?
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl - more times in more places than I can possibly count. Probably never again, however, considering the wheat content of both sourdough and most variations of chowder. Wah.
33. Salted lassi — Does a mango lassi count?
34. Sauerkraut - not a big fan.
35. Root beer float - best sleepover dessert next to a sundae bar. Also, a bunch of local breweries here craft their own rooty brews, and damn if they aren't f-i-i-i-n-e.
36. Cognac with a fat cigar - I suppose separately doesn't count? Together sounds wretched.
37. Clotted cream tea - thanks, Britain.
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O shot - Yes.... (shudder)
39. Gumbo - awwww hawwww, sho' have.
40. Oxtail — Oxtail soup count? Then yes. Thank you, Scotland.
41. Curried goat - better than you'd think.
42. Whole insects - not on purpose! Actually I did once eat chocolate covered ants. I guess that counts.
43. Phaal - sounds dangerous to eat curry that hot, but what do I know.
44. Goat’s milk - unfortunately (thanks, 1979, thanks Mrs. Gooches). It is not an exaggeration to say that it tastes (or used to taste) like goats smell. Which is to say: unpleasant.
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more - awwww yeah, and I highly recommend it.
46. Fugu - blowfish. Have not yet intentionally tempted death while eating. Clearly something to consider.
47. Chicken tikka masala - yes, and I love it and I must give credit where credit is due, which I think belongs to Tisa Read for ordering this one during our Indian Food/Watching "Friends" nights back in Berkeley.
48. Eel - surprisingly delicious and quite un-slithery.
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut - overrated.
50. Sea urchin - not really a fan, I must say.
51. Prickly pear - besides the one I grabbed off a cactus while drunk (it looked smooth in the dark) and the sliver from the bottom of a fermenty drink, I've not actually had much experience with these.
52. Umeboshi - not sure if it counts, but I did eat one of this that was sitting at the bottom of a bottle of fermented plum sake. And it was rad.
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald's Big Mac meal - I can't f*cking believe this is on here. Even worse? I now have "Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese" in my head. Wah. And yes, I ate many of these in the dog days of my mother's returning to school when I was a child and having to spend a lot of time in the car driving all over the valley for various errands and crap. I'm sure there are still pieces of Mickey D's beef lining my colon. Though now that I think about it, I was more partial to Fish Filets. Good times.
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV - I am not a super beer lover, but living in a town nicknamed "Beervana," consuming things in this category happens on a pretty regular basis.
59. Poutine - this cheese curd and gravy covered french fry dish sounds totally horrifying, but I'm assured it is delish. I'm sure.
60. Carob chips - raised on these babies. Don't knock it till you try it. And no, it's not anything like chocolate, no matter how many times yer mom tries to tell you that it is. But it's still tasty.
61. S’mores - oh, god, how I miss these. Someone needs to make a gluten-free graham cracker.
62. Sweetbreads - sadly, yes, at some fancy restaurant in SF years ago. Eh. Don't really understand why this is a thing.
63. Kaolin - edible clay, huh? Pass. I suppose I'd try it if magically appeared in front of me, but wouldn't go out of my way to procure such things.
64. Currywurst - um, urban dictionary has a lovely definition of this, which I suggest you not click on if you have a weak constitution. "Cheap and unhygenic whore" I can live with, but the rest of the explication is disgusting. In food terms it's a curry sausage of some variety and photos on Google do not make it look particularly appetizing.
65. Durian - our friends Alan and Hillary have sampled this and did underscore the foul smell, but said it tasted much better than you'd expect from something described as "vomit-scented" and specifically prohibited from being opened in many public places.
66. Frogs’ legs — tastes like chicken.
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake - all of the above, like the classy classy Carnie I've always longed to be.
68. Haggis - yep. Definitely liked the vegetarian version better than the real thing, but honestly you mix enough grains and herbs and spices into pretty much anything (heart, lungs and stomach included) and it'll start to taste kinda good.
69. Fried plantain - so so so good. Especially with black beans and rice and grilled prawns or Caribbean fish stew. Especially in Amsterdam and Berkeley.
70. Chitterlings - uh, pass.
71. Gazpacho -
72. Caviar and blini - thanks to that post-college catering stint, a wealth of adventure in up-and-coming culinary and asshole arts.
73. Louche absinthe - who hasn't, now that it's back in the U.S.S.A?
74. Gjetost - This cheese is awesome. Bex and I ate a bunch of it back in the Berkeley days. (Thank you, Andronicos, and maybe Winter for having Norwegian friends and knowing about it?). It's like a slightly sweet, slightly carmel-y cheese. Very very good.
75. Roadkill - I'm not going to be unhappy if I leave the planet without having knowingly eaten roadkill. If you have a few minutes, watch this lovely Top Gear excerpt on the topic of eating roadkill in America. Love it.
76. Baijiu - pretty sure this is the rice wine we drink at Korean restaurants. Sake is better, in my opinion.
77. Hostess Fruit Pie - I really wish I'd never had these, because just thinking about them I get that weird slick feeling on my tongue and the roof of my mouth that inevitably appeared immediately after swallowing. God.
78. Snail - lots of garlic, lots of butter, no slime quotient to speak of. Not bad.
79. Lapsang souchong - for those days you crave the exquisite and delicate nuance of burnt rubber tires.
80. Bellini - I can't for the life of me remember who introduced me to these. I'm thinking it was a Davis Girls event back in college. There should definitely be more Bellini drinking in life.
81. Tom yum - All the time. There's a fabulous little hole in the wall bar down the street from the office I frequent on Mondays and Tuesdays that has a terrific happy hour, including a giant bowl of Tom Yum or Tom Kha for $3 bux. Rad.
82. Eggs Benedict - Especially love it on a bed of spinach or a roasted tomato, or in the case of one seriously awesome hangover-curing-restaurant, on a risotto cake! Yes!
83. Pocky - excellent to serve at Asian themed parties, also good snack for the movies. You Venturan's can get them at Mama Ya's near Target, and in Portland don't bother going anywhere but the mega-mart of Asian ingrediants, Uwajamaya.
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant - shit. How about the tasting menu at 3 different 1-Michelen-star restaurants? In that case, done.
85. Kobe beef - does the Kobe beef burger at Rogue Brewery count? Yes? Okay, done. But I'm not a big beef fan, so it was likely lost on me.
86. Hare - if this is different than plain old rabbit, then no. If not, then I've been there/done that.
87. Goulash - AND paprikash.
88. Flowers - boatloads.
89. Horse - honestly I would have a hard time eating this one if I knew what it was there on the plate.
90. Criollo chocolate - well having read up on this single origin chocolate, I'm now quite exited to try it!
91. Spam - sad but true.
92. Soft shell crab - Easy peasy. And yet not at the same time.
93. Rose harissa - never heard of it, but feel as though I should have.
94. Catfish - Oh yeah.
95. Mole poblano - Ooooooh yeah. Friends of my mom, Tamis and Beto, once came for Thanksgiving when we were living in Ojai and Beto made Turkey mole with the leftovers and even though I could barely chew due to being super sick with a terrible ear infection that the ER doc thought was meningitis, I remember this mole with much fondness.
96. Bagel and lox - Are you kidding? What kind of Jew would I be if I hadn't yet had this one. Plus, I practically lived on bagels and lox in the early college/ free-leftovers-from-Coffee Bean days.
97. Lobster Thermidor - well this sounds totally disgusting, but maybe it's not. I'd certainly give it a shot.
98. Polenta - a staple in my house. A million variations, all terrific.
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee - Meh. Really didn't see what all the fuss was about.
100. Snake - I feel like I have tasted snake, but am at a loss to come up with where or when. So.... I guess not. I'll have to give it a go sometime. Maybe. Mmmabye not.

I'm sure there are million more items that could be added to this list (especially after I remove the ones I deem unworthy of holding a position). Why are oysters on here, for example, but not Mussels (with Frites)! I could probably rant about the omissions for a while, but I won't. Instead I'll end by saying that I will always accept more suggestions, so please pass them along at your leisure.